My first divorced Christmas without children.

And how centring ourselves is also best for them.

Susie, our resident parenting and co-parenting expert shares her view on loving Christmas with or without your offspring.

So here we go…another festive season has crept upon us. Or maybe not crept, maybe more hurtled towards us. Or certainly me. And this one I really want to slow right down and enjoy.

This time last year I was living for 4 weeks in my friends garden studio with a pull down double bed, a sofa bed, 3 children and a dog. A situation forced upon us by nature of our very bonkers divorce, a last minute house sale and a difficult rental market - a story for another time.

However the universe delivered a solution and I managed to secure a lovely rental and on the 9th December 2023 we moved into it and I started the urgent and monumental task of fitting a large home into a much smaller one and trying to settle us, create some sense of peace and calm after what had been several years of chaos and anxiety. And, on top of that, get us cosy and warmed by some semblance of the festive spirit.

Christmas has always been very special to me. As a child we had simple but family Christmases at our tiny little holiday cottage in the Lake District next to my grandparents. The best ones were when we saw my cousins too, my aunt always jolly and injecting laughter and silliness. We still call her ‘our giddy aunt’ even today. I remember the one Christmas where we’d had to stay at our home on the Wirral because my sister, who was suffering from cancer, had to stay near the hospital. I hated it, it wasn’t Christmas.

As an adult my happiest Christmases have been with my first husband (yes I’ve been married twice, err congrats to me??!!) and our families in the Lake District - his mother a gorgeous, kind, calm, thoughtful and very Christmassy person. In fact, it was at her village Christmas drinks party that I first met him…and yes it was actually snowing. For real. It was all VERY Bridget Jones and magical.

My other happiest Christmases were the four my second husband and I had with our children (and my family) at our little house, Meadow View, also in the Lake District (the one I sold in early 2019 and bought back this year - you can read about it here).

I’ve always tried to do some real magic making for the children at Christmas, make it filled with joy and family, care and jollity. And I think by and large I’ve done a good job. Helped by the long standing Giles family tradition of hearing REAL (yes real) Santa sleigh bells on Christmas Eve (ok ok it was always Grandad ringing them up a lane somewhere) and helping them get to sleep in their excitement.

However, the past five years have been really, REALLY hard…the loss of my mother just before Christmas 2019, followed by much covid crazy, struggles with my ex, and then the last 2 Christmases still altogether, trying to keep things jolly and bright for the children, despite the complex and difficult untangling of our marriage in the background.

But worst of all, for me, has been the torture of not being in Cumbria, with my family since Christmas 2018.

And so this year I’m reclaiming Christmas. And whilst I’m not the ‘Christmas parent’, honestly, that’s just fine by me - let me explain.

For years I have craved getting to the other side of Christmas Day and being gifted some child free time down time to walk in peace and solitude in the Lake District. To recover from the onslaught of life and December. But it has evaded me. Frankly I’m exhausted from years of the ‘on-ness’ of being mother, especially through December, not to mention the huge ordeal I have been through in the past few years.

I’ve been craving a bit of a Christmas calm and I think it has found its way to me.

The children will be with their Dad for 5 days, as per the court order, and I will drive north…and then south again, and then north..again…this time with them. Their Dad has suggested several variations on this that would have prevented me from having the 5 days to myself eg that I collect the children from him in London on Christmas morning and drive them 6 hours up the motorway so that they could see their Grandad for Christmas tea for the first time in years. But one of the privileges of being divorced is you get to say when things don’t work for you. And in this case I don’t believe it would have worked for the children either.

So herein lies the point I really want to make.

I read lots of advice from varying divorce specialists about how to manage Christmas for the children. How to protect them when they have Christmas in two homes, guidelines around minimising transitions, being flexible and compromising with the other parent, keeping routines and so on. But nowhere, in all the extensive advice I’ve come across does it ever centre getting it right for yourself as a parent first. And this, I find, is true of nearly all advice relating to parenting and children through divorce.

In fact the reality is, as I have discovered in great depth, as parents (mothers in particular) we are our children’s buffer and steadying sail. Particularly when one parent is unable to offer that. Not only do our children look to us for reassurance and calm but neither of these things can be provided when we are not grounded ourselves.

And as I come out of divorce and into my new life I am clear that being grounded and connected to myself is the absolute priority, I suggest this is essential for anyone as they emerge and recover from a divorce. And that also means living a life that has a chance of bringing joy to our souls. Choosing small things that remind us that we are a person too and deserve to live an enjoyable and flourishing life. This is absolutely in the best interests of our children. Seeing parents able to live a life that brings joy to their hearts and a smile to their face is absolutely centering our children - and I really believe the legal system forgets this - a peaceful, happy and fulfilled parent is the best gift we can give them.

So for me this Christmas I get to live that out - in choosing to stay firm and protect those five days to myself I get to live a life that is joyful to me, and in turn will create joy and wellbeing for the children too. And I get to put down boundaries that protect this opportunity for joy in the future too without future Christmas negotiations. I will be in my happy place, my lovely little Meadow View in the Lake District having an adults only Christmas, enjoying a slower pace, playing games without people falling out and getting out and walking in the hills in the way my soul yearns.

The children and I will find ways of doing Christmas differently, invite in new little rituals and celebrations that connect us and keep our hearts full, even when we’re not together.

But all this said, I know Christmas can be such a hard time for so many people, especially for some mothers who can’t share it with their children, or are reading this and know (or fear) that this may be part of your future  - please accept this invitation to remember that you are more than a mother and your children aren’t all that can bring you joy… consider what else your own soul needs to keep you joyful when they aren’t with you, and know that there are ways of bringing this into a Christmas without them.

At Family Flow Liz and I are here for all the ups and downs of separation, divorce and recovery. We know it’s different for everyone, and that everything is better when we are seen and heard. We’re here to see and hear you.

How are YOU feeling this December - what’s going on for you? Join our free Facebook community here and share how you’re feeling.

Susie xx